Growing up in a culture where openly LGBTQ characters could be counted on one hand, Queers were once forced to read between the lines to find representation. In the spirit of code-breaking, I present... 

How Gay Is It?

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier Finale

Gang, the Winter Soldier is NOT GAY, alright? Not even a little bit. He wouldn’t even consider creating a fake female Tinder profile just to check out his competition. Bob Iger is so desperate for clarity on this subject so I feel it behoves me to note that this imaginary character is all straight all the time and has absolutely no gradient in his sexual identity.

BUT I MEAN, COME ON! This entire series plays out like Tennesee Williams did a final pass on the scripts (I mean the homo-erotica, not the dialogue). It’s like Oscar Issacs’ bottom-lip-biting-goddamn-my-space-boyfriend-looks-good-in-my-space-leather-jacket levels of Disney homo-psych-out. These actors are basically winking to a gay audience with their urethras.

We all know these dudes are fuckin’ but when there is enough lather on our forelocks to shave a small mammal the Magic KingdomTM slams up the drawbridge and we’re dumped in the moat of heteronormativity.

Honestly, I feel like every shot of this episode was framed to get everyone playing along at home to yell ‘kiss!’. And dear reader, in my household, the creative team absolutely succeeded.

There is so much spurned ex-boyfriend energy here it’s like we’re basically looking through Taylor Swift’s DMs. 

Sure, the costumes are borderline puritan but Bucky’s leathers look like they could be sporting some zip-off peek-a-boos and Sam’s goggles tell us everything we need to know about what kind of parties he’s into.

Plus, Selena Myer has a blue pompadour now, so I’m calling this case as closed as the door to the closet Buckey and Sam will be locked in forever.

Kinsey Scale: 8 Medicare-billed sessions of couple’s therapy
Could it be Gayer? Sure, they could kiss each other’s pee-pees.